Saturday, 23 April 2011

Let the dieting comence...

This is day 2 of my healthy eating plan. I would call it a diet but diet implies that this is for a short period of time and only until the excess weight is gone...
This needs to be a change of eating habits and lifestyle for me.
This needs to be for good...

I weighed myself yesterday and was not surprised and the numbers that it showed me.. One day I might tell you but at the moment, it's not something I want to admit to.

I have have made my meal plan based on the Weight Watchers menus and points system. It's the old system that I am using at the moment because that is what I used before and shed an amazing 5 stone. Then my marriage failed miserably and I comfort ate it all back on again..

I am using an old diary to chart my progress and menu/points/gallons of water drunk. It is good for me to use this as I always feel better using lists and notebooks to keep organised. I have also measured myself and hope to see the inches come off and I can keep a tally, this helps to motivate me too.

I said to Charlotte the other day that I spent my teenage years as this super slim, mixed-up kid who was reasonable to look at. I genuinely had no idea how people viewed me and along with that comes some regrets.. choices I should have made but didn't. I now wish someone would have held me by the shoulders and shock some sense into me...

My twenty's were spent being mostly pregnant. Having a baby every couple of years, four times certainly took it's toll on my body as well as my sanity..

My thirty's have been spent being miserably fat and self loathing, a train wreck of a marriage and struggling to remember which end is up sometimes...it has certainly been a bumpy ride..

But I am still here, plodding on.. but now a little bit wiser. I am wise enough now to realise these things and have had the realisation that somethings got to give...
I need to make myself well again..

I read in a book a while back this..."If you eat based on emotional hunger, your body will never feel satisfied by food. This is why many people think that they never feel full. They never get the signal to stop eating because they were never hungry in the first place..." Yep, that would be me :)

So I have come up with a plan.. and these are my words to me.."You are unwell. But you deserve to be well. Think of your diet as a course of medication. You need to do these things to make you healthy again. No one likes to be or feel unwell, You owe this to yourself..."

This time next year Rodney...No really, this time next year I should be pretty near where I should be, weight wise anyway. This will be a continuing battle for me, food has been like an addiction and I'm afraid it's time to go cold turkey.....with mayo. Ha, just kidding :)

For a recovering alcoholic, they are only one drink away from a relapse, for me that would be cake :) However, every day we have to eat, we can't not eat, for me this is going to be flippin tough...

Obviously, like a drug, food for me is addictive, eating it gives you a temporary feeling of fulfillment and pleasure. Then, when you have stuffed your face, comes the guilt and self loathing and to squash down that feeling, you eat more.. and, for a while, you feel better... This can happen over the course of a few days or longer and not just in one sitting. Day after day the cycle repeats itself and before you know it you are piling on the pounds, oblivious to the damage you are doing to yourself.. But I am stronger than that...I have now recognised the pattern, I can see what I am doing, but this time I actually want to do something about it...


I have been taking my Thyroid tablets everyday as well as a multi-vitamin with iron, I have also been taking a cod liver oil capsule everyday.. When I am beautiful and slim I might have fish breath but at least I will have a glossy coat...


This was me at 16, on holiday with my family and our good friends in Yugoslavia. Even then I was already forming a bad image of myself, I had zero confidence in myself, I had no idea of what choices I should make, I totally messed up and took a different path from the one that was offered me and just look where it got me..
In my defence, all I can say was I was immature and naive..

I was, after all, only 16. But it paved the way to where I am now, picking up the pieces and trying to put it all right again, and I will, but it will take some time....

It's not until you write it all down that you realise just how much you have messed up..






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